It is amazing how falling in love and losing out can take the color and taste out of life. I've gone numb.
How is it that so many people say such great things about me and how "...it'll happen for you. She just wasn't the one..." and yet here I am again alone.
I think that I have really fallen in love maybe three times my whole life...
The first time was in College. I met this wonderful girl in Dr. Roundtree's Ballads of Briton and America class. We where both freshman and I asked her out for my birthday. We walked around campus together daily, we went out a couple of more times and when I went to North Carolina to work at a boy's camp we wrote each other. Sometime in the summer the letters stopped coming. She was the first person I called when I got home. I told her I was back and she said "So."
I still remember seeing her wedding announcement in the paper and running into her and her husband at the fair. Kansas' Point of Know Return was playing.
I dated off and on for a bit then went through a long dry spell. I gave up looking when I met one girl I wanted to go out with so bad it hurt. She was dating a guy when I met her who treated her like she was just a piece of bling to show off. When they broke up I was there for her as a friend to try and cheer her up. I waited to ask her out because she was crushed by the break up and I wanted to give her time. I still recall the night I had made up my mind to ask her out. I was going to Picklefish downtown to try and find her. I found her... on a date. The bartender, Becky, knew I wanted to go out with her and told me that the only reason she was on the date was because this girl had a girlfriend who wanted to go on a double date. Seems the girlfriend wouldn't go out unless they doubled. Becky assured me there was nothing to the date, she and the guy where just friends, there was nothing there and he wasn't even her type... The last I heard they had moved in together and where getting married. I haven't seen either one since.
Back in 2006 I met my second love. We dated for a short time before she went into the military. When she came back from basic she had a lot going on with family friends and injuries. I blew it with her. I can't say when things started to fall apart but I know when I made the final mistake. I listened to my friends on New Years Eve telling me how this girl should have been out with me and/or should have invited me to go out wit her... I got messed up the made the 15minute call to her answering machine that was the end of it all. I told her repeatedly how much I loved her and that was the last thing she needed to hear.
She started dating and then married a very nice guy from New York state.
Last year I ran into a girl I went to school with. She was seeing a guy I knew from around. She broke things off with him and we started dating. I was so afraid I would do something stupid and blow it. I so wanted to be everything for her - She was (and at least now in my heart is) everything to me. I don't really know what to say at this point. There are so many things I could say that just don't seem right. It's to soon for me to really say more. I just wish I could try again. I wish I knew how to do it over and do it right.
I am not so selfish as to say if I can't have someone then, screw them. When I fall in love it is love. I want nothing but the best for them and I want them to be happy. If I could harbor ill thoughts about them then it just isn't love. But I wish someone could be happy with me.
I can't help but feel that there must be something about me that... well makes me terminally single.
REPLIES TO ORIGINAL POST:
|Eva || |
| D BEST || |
| TINA || |
ONE YEAR LATER:
I have found myself thinking through a lot this year and wondering about me. I have spent most of my life, it seems, trying to be there for everyone else and not paying a lot of attention to my own wants and needs. I still find it easier to try and be there for friends than trying to work out my own issues. When I think of my own issues I tend to get moody, irritable and bitter. This is an issue I know I need to work on before I can get to the heart of me.
Some things that I see (real or imagined):
I have little dating experience and as such find it hard to read situations and know how to react. Guys aren't born knowing what to do. They have to learn it through experience or through people working with them when they make mistakes. I have not had a wealth of experience to work from. And, no one I have gone out with has been willing to point out my mistakes.
I tend to get too down on myself about what I see as my short-comings.
I know that I am not now, nor ever likely to be a player. I don't have the, what I see as, sociopathic personality that can be that unconcerned about another's feelings. Besides, I've never been good at picking up women anyway - I think I missed that class in school.
I know that I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, to have a family with (or at least be a part of their family) but I am not willing to settle for someone that I am not attracted to or truly in love with. I have spent the better part of my life single because I am not willing to settle for something I don't feel is right. I did that in college and ended up hurting the girl I was with because I was going out with her to be dating someone and not because I was interested in her. I will not do that again.
I think that I am a good friend who will always be there when a friend needs me.