Monday, August 31, 2009

How can you be sure

In a recent post from What Could I Really Say?, atypicalheroine made a very profound statement based on a conversation she had years ago:
When I was in my teens, my older best friend told me she wished she was beautiful like me, because I'd always have the admiration of men. I responded, that a beautiful woman no more knows if she's loved than a wealthy man.
While I cannot relate to either the beautiful woman or the wealthy man, I can wonder about the wealthy man and how he would know he was loved.

We live in a world where the things that seem to attract are the superficial and transitory. A man's wealth is not a sure thing. Riches come and go and if love is based on wealth and value on what a man can give, other than his body, soul and love, then that love is doomed. If a woman falls for a man's wealth and not with the man, he is being used.

But I am not sure that it is always the case that a woman consciously goes for wealth. I believe, too often, it is the sense of security that wealth represents. And I ask you, what happens when the bottom drops out of the man's wealth? Will she still love him or will she realize that all she loved was his money?

The same could be said of beauty. Beauty can be marred and damaged. Physical beauty fades with age. The man that falls for physical beauty and doesn't see beyond it will lose interest if that beauty fails or when it fades.

True attraction cannot take into account things that are not guaranteed - love, respect, admiration, loyalty and friendship. These are the only things that can be counted on when love is real. If you find that you are looking for more, you are losing out on the only things you can count on.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Will being me ever be enough?

Will being me ever be enough? Sounds like a dumb question. But is it?

NOTE: this is going to be a bit of a down blog post!

It's been almost a year since my ex-girlfriend broke up with me, saying it wasn't me but her. And yet I'm the one who feels like a loser. I'm the one who feels like I didn't do enough and really have no idea what to do.

I have never had anyone break up with me because I did something wrong, I just haven't ever been enough. And apparently I am so much not enough that no one has been willing to give me a second chance. To be honest most women haven't been willing to give me a first chance. On that I can't complain too much because I am very picky and haven't really considered dating someone just to have someone to go out with. If I am not interested in someone then I'm not going on a date with them. At least that is how I have been. Maybe I should change that but I think that I am getting too old to change my ways.

The only reason I bring this up is that my ex (who I must admit, I am still in love with) can still set my mood for the day without realizing it. Today it was a MySpace status that quoted Einstein: "The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive." There was a bit more that she added about the guy she is dating now but this quote made me think. What is a guy to do when he doesn't have a lot to give other than himself? I am not rich, I don't own a lot and with my limited dating experience (even at 40 years old) I don't really know what to do or how to do it when it comes to a woman's wants and needs. It isn't that I don't want to do things and give things and be there, it is that I either don't have it to give or don't know to read the signs of what I should do. With my ex I want(ed) to give her the world. I would die for her. I gave her my heart. But that apparently isn't enough.

I know that people say there are plenty of fish in the sea but I feel like I am fishing with the wrong bait. Apparently I am not the right bait.

So I ask: Will being me ever be enough?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Happy Couples Annoy Me

I used to say, with little humor, that "Happy couples annoy me." And, at the time, I know I didn't really know why. Why should seeing a couple holding hands as they walk down the street get under my skin? What upset me about seeing a couple sitting together, flirting and laughing? And how could any one not enjoy seeing others finding happiness in each others arms? I know the answer now and it surprised me to realize it.

Yesterday, as I was driving home, I started thinking about it. I was sitting at a stop light, looked into the car next to me and it just hit me. There was a couple riding along talking and laughing and I remembered what it was like, what it was like to hold hands while driving, talking about what we where going to do, where we would go. It isn't so much that the happy couples annoy me as they make me realize what I lost.

Before it was just some vague annoyance without reason. I didn't know why because I was missing something I never had. Since last year that changed. Now I know what it is that annoys me and it isn't the Happy couples of the world. It is the loneliness I feel when I see them and know that I am going home to an empty apartment, single meal and no one to call my own (I do hate that phrase, but it fits).

But I know that I will continue to say "Happy couples annoy me," even though I now know why. Because it amuses me to say it. And the single life is what I will have to deal with until I either get over the love I had last year or learn to settle for what is left out there.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Internal Debates

I don't know if it is just me or if there are others out there who do this. I find myself forming arguments and working out exactly what I want to say to someone before I talk to them to be sure I have it down word for word. Then I turn around and rationalize exactly why I shouldn't say what I really want to. Often it is because I am more concerned with their feelings than my own, sometimes I just don't feel it is fair to them for me to pressure them but for the most part I am afraid of losing a friend because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

It really is odd at times to find myself holding these conversations in my head (often one sided conversations). It gets even more odd when I start talking out loud to myself. I wish at times I could say what I want to the people in question but I over think their feelings, responses and/or reactions and I just keep my mouth shut. Life has taught me that when I say what's on my mind it just drives people away and I don't want that to happen anymore.

Life isn't like the movies where the hero can say what he feels and win out in the end. The best example of this, to me, is from When Harry met Sally. Harry rushes to a New Years Eve party and opens his heart to Sally:

Harry Burns: I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Sally: See Harry you say these things and it makes it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you Harry....I really do.

Sally's response may lead you to think his confession was a failure but it wasn't. In the end he gets the girl. But then again life isn't a movie and the good guy doesn't always win. So, for me, I think it is best that I keep quiet and hope that, if I am thinking it, others are thinking it and things will work out.

Now to be honest I do this for any relationship, friend, lover or other. I have in my mind questioned things and almost never said them aloud. If I do end up saying things it tends to be blunt straightforward statements that do not go into the details that are running through my head. I even hold debates about myself and how I am acting or reacting to situations.

So I pose a question to you all: Am I the only one who does this?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Beginning...

When I was in High School, I knew I wanted to be a writer. I started college with the express purpose of writing for a living. I majored in English, minored in communications and kept notebooks with my thoughts and ideas. Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked. I got discouraged in my writing because I saw so many people around me that I thought had more talent. I let the dream of being a writer fade and have really just drifted through life ever since.

I have worked so many different jobs and gone back to school for other degrees, some completed others not, and find myself inching back to a dream that never really died. I have no illusions that I will be writing any groundbreaking or award winning material. I have no clear goal in what I plan on writing here. What I do know is that I plan to write.

The casual observer is just what it sounds like. I am not some great mind who will focus on a topic and devote all my time to it. I will more often than not simply express my off the cuff observations on things that grab my attention. Expect me to be bitter, sarcastic, hopefully funny at times and, I hope, entertaining. I am not wanting to set myself up as some expert on a given subject but more a, well, Casual Observer who feels the need to express my personal opinion. I do not intentionally speak for others. But, I suspect, like any other writer I hope that what I have to say will speak to someone and maybe allow them to say, "That's what I'm talking about!" Then again maybe my ramblings will make others laugh. That will be just as satisfying.

It is my intention to post often, if for no other reason than to get back in the habit of writing. I value any readers opinion, even if I do not respond to it. I am not likely to edit myself here. Once I have started writing with more frequency, or on subjects that I am truly wanting to say something, then I will be more likely to review what I have written. Till then this will be more of a free writing experience.

If you decide to follow my blogs I hope you will not be disappointed. I look forward to telling you what is on my mind and do hope you enjoy it.