Thursday, August 13, 2009

Internal Debates

I don't know if it is just me or if there are others out there who do this. I find myself forming arguments and working out exactly what I want to say to someone before I talk to them to be sure I have it down word for word. Then I turn around and rationalize exactly why I shouldn't say what I really want to. Often it is because I am more concerned with their feelings than my own, sometimes I just don't feel it is fair to them for me to pressure them but for the most part I am afraid of losing a friend because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

It really is odd at times to find myself holding these conversations in my head (often one sided conversations). It gets even more odd when I start talking out loud to myself. I wish at times I could say what I want to the people in question but I over think their feelings, responses and/or reactions and I just keep my mouth shut. Life has taught me that when I say what's on my mind it just drives people away and I don't want that to happen anymore.

Life isn't like the movies where the hero can say what he feels and win out in the end. The best example of this, to me, is from When Harry met Sally. Harry rushes to a New Years Eve party and opens his heart to Sally:

Harry Burns: I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Sally: See Harry you say these things and it makes it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you Harry....I really do.

Sally's response may lead you to think his confession was a failure but it wasn't. In the end he gets the girl. But then again life isn't a movie and the good guy doesn't always win. So, for me, I think it is best that I keep quiet and hope that, if I am thinking it, others are thinking it and things will work out.

Now to be honest I do this for any relationship, friend, lover or other. I have in my mind questioned things and almost never said them aloud. If I do end up saying things it tends to be blunt straightforward statements that do not go into the details that are running through my head. I even hold debates about myself and how I am acting or reacting to situations.

So I pose a question to you all: Am I the only one who does this?

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