Monday, September 28, 2009
For the first time in just shy of 20 years, I didn't catch the garter! Not all the weddings I have been to have had the garter toss but until this one I was the one to catch it if they did. I used to have a little collection of them going but have managed to lose them throughout the years. Now, if you believe the tradition then I should have been married many times over. Alas, I am still single. Too bad Mythbusters doesn't do a show on that little myth/tradition.
I have asked and been asked that question so many times I wouldn't care to try and count. Yet, I can't say that I have ever encountered anyone who really wanted to know and who would be willing to sit and listen when things are bad. And I mean listen, not give advice, not offer platitudes of life and love, really listen. I won't say that every time I ask, I am hoping for a honest response, but I hope that if it is given I would be willing to listen.
As for my answer, I tend to give the expected, "Good," "Well" or some variation of a positive response to both let the person off the hook or not show how much I am hurting, confused or just out of it I am.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Blogs have become a new addiction for me. I think about things I want to say and can't wait to see what others have posted. I follow links from one profile to another looking for new and interesting s bloggers to follow. I spend almost as much time here on Blogger as any other site (except Facebook - but that is another story). I love to read what others have to say. I have started following several bloggers after reading only one post. And while there have been some that I have seemed to lose interest in, I haven't stopped following them - hoping that they will post something that will draw me back to them.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
And so I think I should have named my blog "Much Ado About Nothing." I think writing is a habit you develop that somehow transforms into art with the right combination of skill, vision and theme. Not everyone can pull it off (and I group myself in the not everyone) but some people seem to be able to take the simplest topic or idea and grab you with it. They leave you wanting more, more of their opinion, their view, their wit... more of them. When you write, you put yourself on the page for people to see. The best writers leave you wanting more, not more story but more of the writer.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Golden rays float across the early morning sky. The light song of birds drifts through the air. And the only one awake in the whole world is Keith, at least he pictures himself such. he walks along the garden path, absorbing the soft visions around him. The red dew-laden roses with their barbed stems and white lilies in their small mirror surfaced ponds. At the end of the path he finds the entrance to his secret sanctuary. He crawls on his hands and knees under the blooming azalea bush into a tiny grotto with a single yellow rose, like the statue of Venus, pointing into the sun streaked heavens.
Keith stops at the flower and savors the sweet smell. He drifts into a silent limbo of thought. He remembers his foolish childhood fantasies of becoming a superhero, detective or superstar actor/singer. He recalls all his one-sided loves and the pain of not sharing his feelings. he thinks about his present infatuation, his love for Linda and his inability to express his love with her.
He examines the rose and draws forth the memory of the first he happened upon this hidden treasure. He was walking along the garden path alone one afternoon when he dropped the piece of paper he had been carrying. He looked on as the wind carried the slip of paper over the bushes. He crawled under the azaleas and was transported to his own Eden.
Since the discovery of the sanctuary he visited the garden every day - his little meditation chamber of nature. Whenever a problem arose that overwhelmed him he escaped to the seclusion of the rose.
Looking at the rose, he sees Linda. Timeless beauty shines from the peddles like the soft glow of her skin - a picture of perfection preserved in a world of its' own. A world he can enter but never seem to become a part of. A tear drifts from his face and bounces on the light peddles floating in a suspended fall to the ground. He tuns and walks away.
For a week he stays away from his Eden, dreaming about the peace he would feel if he could expose his emotions to Linda and that she would accept his love. But he only dreams.
When at last he returns to the garden, he finds an addition to his garden. A new red rose has pushed itself up through the ground to rest next to the yellow beauty. The red and yellow stand together, a pair, in a world of their own - a piece that none can ever shatter.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
It is amazing how falling in love and losing out can take the color and taste out of life. I've gone numb.
How is it that so many people say such great things about me and how "...it'll happen for you. She just wasn't the one..." and yet here I am again alone.
I think that I have really fallen in love maybe three times my whole life...
The first time was in College. I met this wonderful girl in Dr. Roundtree's Ballads of Briton and America class. We where both freshman and I asked her out for my birthday. We walked around campus together daily, we went out a couple of more times and when I went to North Carolina to work at a boy's camp we wrote each other. Sometime in the summer the letters stopped coming. She was the first person I called when I got home. I told her I was back and she said "So."
I still remember seeing her wedding announcement in the paper and running into her and her husband at the fair. Kansas' Point of Know Return was playing.
I dated off and on for a bit then went through a long dry spell. I gave up looking when I met one girl I wanted to go out with so bad it hurt. She was dating a guy when I met her who treated her like she was just a piece of bling to show off. When they broke up I was there for her as a friend to try and cheer her up. I waited to ask her out because she was crushed by the break up and I wanted to give her time. I still recall the night I had made up my mind to ask her out. I was going to Picklefish downtown to try and find her. I found her... on a date. The bartender, Becky, knew I wanted to go out with her and told me that the only reason she was on the date was because this girl had a girlfriend who wanted to go on a double date. Seems the girlfriend wouldn't go out unless they doubled. Becky assured me there was nothing to the date, she and the guy where just friends, there was nothing there and he wasn't even her type... The last I heard they had moved in together and where getting married. I haven't seen either one since.
Back in 2006 I met my second love. We dated for a short time before she went into the military. When she came back from basic she had a lot going on with family friends and injuries. I blew it with her. I can't say when things started to fall apart but I know when I made the final mistake. I listened to my friends on New Years Eve telling me how this girl should have been out with me and/or should have invited me to go out wit her... I got messed up the made the 15minute call to her answering machine that was the end of it all. I told her repeatedly how much I loved her and that was the last thing she needed to hear.
She started dating and then married a very nice guy from New York state.
Last year I ran into a girl I went to school with. She was seeing a guy I knew from around. She broke things off with him and we started dating. I was so afraid I would do something stupid and blow it. I so wanted to be everything for her - She was (and at least now in my heart is) everything to me. I don't really know what to say at this point. There are so many things I could say that just don't seem right. It's to soon for me to really say more. I just wish I could try again. I wish I knew how to do it over and do it right.
I am not so selfish as to say if I can't have someone then, screw them. When I fall in love it is love. I want nothing but the best for them and I want them to be happy. If I could harbor ill thoughts about them then it just isn't love. But I wish someone could be happy with me.
I can't help but feel that there must be something about me that... well makes me terminally single.
REPLIES TO ORIGINAL POST:
|Eva || |
| D BEST || |
| TINA || |
ONE YEAR LATER:
I have found myself thinking through a lot this year and wondering about me. I have spent most of my life, it seems, trying to be there for everyone else and not paying a lot of attention to my own wants and needs. I still find it easier to try and be there for friends than trying to work out my own issues. When I think of my own issues I tend to get moody, irritable and bitter. This is an issue I know I need to work on before I can get to the heart of me.
Some things that I see (real or imagined):
I have little dating experience and as such find it hard to read situations and know how to react. Guys aren't born knowing what to do. They have to learn it through experience or through people working with them when they make mistakes. I have not had a wealth of experience to work from. And, no one I have gone out with has been willing to point out my mistakes.
I tend to get too down on myself about what I see as my short-comings.
I know that I am not now, nor ever likely to be a player. I don't have the, what I see as, sociopathic personality that can be that unconcerned about another's feelings. Besides, I've never been good at picking up women anyway - I think I missed that class in school.
I know that I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, to have a family with (or at least be a part of their family) but I am not willing to settle for someone that I am not attracted to or truly in love with. I have spent the better part of my life single because I am not willing to settle for something I don't feel is right. I did that in college and ended up hurting the girl I was with because I was going out with her to be dating someone and not because I was interested in her. I will not do that again.
I think that I am a good friend who will always be there when a friend needs me.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Years ago, when I was in college and doing odd jobs for extra money, I signed up to be a substitute teacher. I wasn't interested in working just anywhere though, I worked at my old high school. My mother was a teacher there and I knew the staff and faculty, so I knew I would fit in. One thing about being a sub is that you have to get up early to be on time. I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON - in general.
One morning, one of the office staff cheerfully greeted me with the traditional, "Good Morning Mike!" Without even thinking about it I replied, "If it where meant to be good, they wouldn't call it morning." That little saying stuck in my mind and I have been known to say it often in reply to someone saying Good Morning.
A few years back a friend of mine suggested I take that saying and put it on a t-shirt. I thought about it but was not sure how to do it. Recently I started referring to the work week as just different versions of Monday (Monday 1.0, Monday 2.o aka Tuesday...). Again, a friend suggested I put this on a t-shirt. I have done it! I opened a shop at Cafe Press called Bad Day Tees and bought the baddaytees.com domain to help promote my shop. If nothing else I have had fun adding products to the site and getting suggestions from friends about new sayings and items to add.
For anyone who reads this I would love to get your input and suggestions. Please browse the shop and tell me what you think. Is there some saying you always thought would look good on a t-shirt, mug, mouse pad or, dare I say it, underwear?